Know Your Worth

Self-worth is the key to enjoying a happy life with people that enjoy you for who you are. The moment that I found my self-worth was the moment my life changed.

When we are kids, we love ourselves and we don’t see anything wrong with us. We do what we want and we say what we think. Like many kids, I was not an exception. As a kid, I was told by adults that is very important to watch what you say, how you dress, not speak until they let you speak or what would people think of you? I was told what they consider beauty to be and more important that could never be me.

When I Found My Self-Worth

Luckily for me, I found my self-worth back in high school when I was around 16 years old. My parents always told me how valuable I was, but isn’t that every parent’s job? To tell their kids that they are valuable, amazing, and they can do anything they put their mind to. I never thought that just by changing the way I see myself the world around me can be beautiful.

Knowing that I am the only person in the world that can tell me who I am, what I like, what I want, and what my values are. I know now that I am the only person in the whole world that can be me. Knowing that, I know I am worth it!

How I Found My Self-Worth

I will tell you my story of how I found my self-worth in the hope that this story can help you learn your self-worth too. Also, to understand that you are not alone. Many people suffer from self-esteem issues.

When I was 16 years old people loved to compare me with people based on the way I looked. Many people told me that I looked like Salma Hayek or Penelope Cruz. They said that, because I was Latina, I must be crazy. That I had “the latina temper,” which Urban Dictionary defines it as:

“ The act of having compassion then yelling & being pissed off to crying in a matter of minutes, all while maintaining an attitude”

I hated the fact that no matter what I did or didn’t do, I was never going to be enough. I was mad at the world and everyone in it. People suck!!! I was either mad or depressed. Those were my only moods. After living like that for a while, I learned living life like that sucks and that they are no different from being dead or alive. I was already dead inside and I was just walking through life like a zombie.

Pros & Cons

One day after school, I went home with the intentions of ending it all, but before I did, I thought to write a pros and cons list to justify my actions. On a piece of paper, I wrote a long list for the pros. I don’t remember everything I wrote in the list but it was something like life is hard, I can’t be someone I am not, life sucks, people are mean, people are fake, people only want things for me and so on. For the cons, I only wrote a question that I couldn’t answer on the piece of paper. The question was “Who would I hurt the most with this action?”

That person was my mother. I remember looking at the question and knowing that the only person that would be hurting for the rest of her life would be her. Everyone else would move on with their life. My “friends” would make new friends and my teachers would get new students and one day everyone, but my mother would have forgotten that name of the poor girl that killed herself. I couldn’t do that to the women that gave up a lot for me. That has struggled too much already with an abusive first marriage. She is not perfect, but I know she tried her best and she loved me and I just couldn’t do any more harm to her. She didn’t deserve that kind of pain.

A Decision was Made

I made a decision that day. I was not going to ending it, at least not yet. My plan was on hold for the moment. I knew then that if I had to live in this boring, fake, and no purpose in life, that I was going to do it my way. I made the decision to be myself and not care about what others thought I should be. Not caring about others opinion was so nice! I was doing whatever I wanted to do. I said whatever I wanted without the care of hurting someone’s feelings. I didn’t care or have the need to be liked. I love my own company and I trusted my self.

By doing this for a while, I learned who I am. I learned what I like, what my dislikes are, and what my values were. For this portion of my life, I lost a lot of toxic “friends”, but I made real friends with the same interests and values. I could speak my mind without worrying to please others. I knew I came first. To my surprise, I made more friends being my true self than when I was trying to be the perfect person that everyone expected me to be.

I never wanted to love anyone else as much as my mother. I kept my distance from people for so long. Like I mentioned before I had a plan to end it all one day and I didn’t want anyone to hold me back again. I never told this to anyone because looking back this sounds stupid, I know. But the reality is when you have no purpose in life it can be so boring, so lonely, and sad.

New Beginnings

That year, I found out who I am and I learned how valuable I am for being myself. I no longer heard people talk about me in a negative way. This was the same year that I wrestled on a boy’s team and where I met my future husband. At the point of my life, I was so cocky and I felt like I could have it all, and why not? I am worth it! I knew at the point of my life that I deserved the best and I was not going to settle for less. I wanted to find someone that loves me more than I love myself. I was willing to wait as long as it takes because I know it would be worth it.

Like I mentioned before, this was also the year that I met my future husband. His name is Anthony and he is very nice, generous, friendly, considerate, and genuine. I never met anyone like him. He seemed too good to be true back in high school. Something about him was intriguing to me so I made the choice not to talk to him. Whenever he came around I would just leave the room. My friend Kendall told me that I should talk to him and that she could tell that I liked him. Of course, I denied it right away. But it was true!

One night, I stayed up late writing everything I wanted to have in my life. The thing that took the longest was what I wanted in a partner. The list was so long that I can’t remember everything that I wrote. But the list was something like this:

1. I want a guy that loves me for who I am
2. I want a smart guy
3. A guy that graduates from college
4. A guy that wants to give me everything
5. A guy that wants to marry me and have a family
6. A guy that would always put me first
7. A guy that doesn’t have a debt

Anthony asked me to be his girlfriend a few times and I kept declining until one day, he told me that this would be the last time he would ask me to be his girlfriend because his friends were making fun of him. I knew back then that I didn’t want to lose him, but I had to do what I thought was right. I asked him, “Do you want to know why I can’t be your girlfriend?… Let me tell you why.” I told him what I wanted in a partner and yes, I told him my whole list. When I was done, I saw that Anthony had a blank look on his face. As I started to walk away, Anthony said, “ I want to marry you and have kids with you! I want to be that guy for you.”

At the point, we were both 17 years old. I really thought that what I said would scare him off. I really thought that guys in High School all they wanted was sex and they would do or say anything to get some. Anyway, he got my attention for sure and we starting dating on June 17, 2008, and we got married on April 25, 2015.

Over the years, Anthony has taught me the importance of love and caring for one another. He reminds me every day how beautiful life is. I can’t wait to wake up every morning at 4:00 am to start living my life every day with him!